


Behind these tired eyes

by Darkwishme



Category: Avengers, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-07-27 09:11:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16215956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkwishme/pseuds/Darkwishme
Summary: SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.This is the sequel to ‘Behind these angry eyes’ but from Natasha’s main perspective now.How she’s coping, what’s happening and how everyone else is coping after Infinity War, as well as what the rest of the world has come too... will they keep it all together? Or will they crumble and fall apart?





	1. Time

Tick.

Silence. 

Tick. 

Nothing. 

Tick. 

Click, as the mug made contact with the counter. 

Tick. 

A rattled sigh left pale lips. 

Tick. 

A heavy exhale from someone else.

Tick.

A dull heart continues to beat. But longing for another.

Tick. 

“You can’t keep shutting me out.” A male urges, almost pleading. 

Tick.

‘Really?’ A quiet thought enters her head. 

Tick. 

“Natasha...” Clint tries again. 

****

He knew that trying to get the blonde to talk wouldn’t be easy. Of course it wouldn’t. Trying to get Steve to talk was bad enough. And even then the Thousand Yard Stare was enough to make anyone uneasy about approaching the subject. But they both needed to talk. Luckily, Steve wasn’t as stubborn as Natasha. It had been easy to find the remaining Avengers after that battle with Thanos, and even easier to understand what had happened. Especially when he had seen it himself.

It was a jarring image, to be talking to someone one minute and then watch as they turn to ash in front of you. Disbelief written on their face, surprise for a fraction of a second, and then fear. 

Helplessness was written on his own face because- well what could he do? It happened so quick that he couldn’t reach out to console them. He couldn’t ty to understand what was happening. 

All Clint could do was watch as they disappeared. 

Steve was the one to say how many had disappeared, and who. 

Clint wasn’t happy that Wanda had been one of them to disappear. Not after what she as been through. Surely, her home town being ravaged by war, seeing her parents die, being experimented on, feeling her brother die and then being locked up was enough for her. She didn’t need to deal with anymore. Especially not ‘dying’. 

No one knew what it actually was.

If the person died or if they just simply disappeared to a new dimension or whatever. Everyone has their theories, their ideas and their hopes. 

Everyone had lost at least someone that day. Their hopes were beginning to dwindle, and with no word from the Avengers (who were supposed to protect the world) then what else could they do? The Avengers had gone back into hiding almost after the fight, running with their tails between their legs and gone back to tend to their wounds. 

Some more physical than others. 

It was how Clint had found them actually. 

Surprised to see them back at the base that Tony had built all those years ago- but at the same time he figured that those that did remain wanted to be close to where they had all been, and of course, they were fighting for the same cause now. It would make it easier for them to find if they went to one rebuilding. 

He had stepped through the hall cautiously though. Taking his time in the dim lighting, now raised and straining whatever little heating he has left by this point until he found them in the main room. 

They were all changed out of their armour, sitting around a table and dressed somewhat casually. 

Despite the fact that Steve wore one of Bucky’s shirts.

Despite the fact that Rhodey was toying with a pair of falcon like sunglasses. 

Despite the fact that Natasha was clutching onto Wanda’a favourite jackets, which had originally been her own. 

And with a soft sigh, Clint knew that they had all lost people important to them. 

And that it was going to be a long night. 

****

Talking to Steve had been the easiest, he had already lost Bucky once, it wasn’t any easier but he knew how important it was to speak to someone. So he did. The walls came down slowly before they crumbled and there was no stopping it now. Luckily for them though, Clint had approached the subject when no one else was around. Because despite it all, Steve was just a guy too. Underneath his title that has been thrown at him, he was just a guy who had been drafted into the war and then frozen. It made sense for him to react like this. It was almost like he was a ticking time bomb because since he has been defrosted he hasn’t broken down once. In fact he has marched on and on, over and over again. 

So Clint sat with him until Steve was okay- or as okay as anyone could be these days.

Steve was the one who had mentioned that he wasn’t sure on how Natasha was holding up. But Clint already had an idea to that. 

And it was badly. 

She had shut down again, just like after the fight with Ultron on the ship when Wanda had ripped apart their heads. Left memories open and raw, and Natasha had shut down then too. It was Clint and his family who had been able to pull her out of that. 

But now it was just Clint. 

He hopes that he was enough. 

****

Surprisingly, or not that surprisingly, he found Natasha in one of the rooms that was provided at the base. 

This one was no different to the many other room. 

A double bed in the middle of the room, headboard pressed against the cream coloured walls, a desk off to the side, a wardrobe tucked in the corner, a large window over looking the field. It was basic, it was bland, it allowed any agent that was in here to decorate it to how they wished. And they could. Tony has given them all that permission. 

Clint had decorated his with a few personal items here and there. The odd picture and drawing hung up on the wall, his room having a slight purple tint to it, somewhere to store his bow and arrows, tools on the desk to tend to his bow and- yeah, it wasn’t home, nothing could replace home, but it was better than nothing. It was better than sleeping on the floor. 

He knew for a fact that Natasha’s hadn’t been altered that much seeing as she wasn’t the type of person that held onto personal items. Not saying she didn’t, but they were often small, light weight and easy to transport. Plus she valued her privacy. So it was no surprise that she had picked the room furthest away from the group.

But she wasn’t in her room, Clint realised as he pushed the door open when he got no answer. Her bed was made, neat and too tidy almost. Everything had it’s place, and there it stayed. But nothing looked like it had been touched for awhile. Which caused his eyebrows to furrow down until- he knew where she was. Turning and closing the door behind him before he was trudging back through the halls until he reached a new door. One that had once been an empty room until she moved in. 

He didn’t have to knock, he was sure that Natasha had already heard him approach, so he just pushed the door open gently and slowly. Spotting the silver haired woman sitting on Wanda’s bed with a soft frown on her face. She didn’t greet him straight away, but her gaze did flicker over to him.

Well that was a good sign. It mean that she was still aware of her surroundings rather than completely shut down and not aware of what was happening around her. 

But as soon as she had looked at him, her gaze was once more directed at the worn photo on the desk. Really the only personal item that Wanda had after the fight with Ultron. It was a picture of her and her family, the two parents had been unfortunately burnt but- both her and her brother remained intact. Aside from a few creases here and there but she was sure that she wasn’t that picky over it. It was still something she could look at. 

****

For the longest time, the only sound was what came from the clock within Wanda’s room. 

The faint ticking was sometimes disrupted with the click of Natasha’s cup, or the heavy sigh that left Clint. And he knew that this wasn’t healthy. 

“You can’t keep shutting me out.” He tried, but there was no reaction from her. And really, he should’ve expected that. 

“Natasha.” It was a losing battle because Natasha just kept ignoring him. Gaze locked on the photo as if she was to look away that would disappear too. And he understood her worries, but at the same time. This wasn’t healthy. 

And he knew what he was about to do was either going to get him killed, or thrown out of the nearby window. Either way though, it would be better than sitting in silence. 

“Have mercy on me...” he mumbled.

****

Natasha barely had enough time that Clit had stood up before she felt a stinging sensation on her cheek. And then even then it took a couple of seconds to realise that she had been smacked- no excessively hard but it was certainly hard enough to catch her attention. 

Body tense, hands clenching she shifted on the bed- but stopped. Not because Clint had already jumped back but because it was what she needed to get out of that downward spiral. 

Okay, so maybe something better than a smack to the face but she had dealt with worse.

And luckily Clint hadn’t broken her nose... again. 

“Look ‘Tasha I’m sorry but you weren’t responding a-“ Clint rambled. Having accepted his death already but still hoping Natasha could have that lapse in character to- 

“It’s fine.” Came her response. It certainly shocked him into silence. At least for a second or two. 

“... you wanna talk about it?” He didn’t even have to say the full thing for her to understand what he meant. 

“No.” Natasha didn’t hesitate to answer. Because how was she supposed to talk about it? She had watched her girlfriend die or well, disappear into a pile of ash in front of her. After promising to keep her safe. 

But the look she got from Clint was a clear giveaway that they were going to talk about it one way or another. So with a heavy sigh she slumped her shoulders in defeat and turned to face him better. 

“Fine, but if we’re talking I want ice cream, and the next training session I’m not holding back for hitting me.” 

Okay.... so it wasn’t all good. But it was better than being thrown out the window. 

Not everything could be a win. 

Clint nodded to her terms, practically sealing his fate, and so she begins.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took awhile!!

Clint already knew what ice cream he would have to buy her, and it certainly wasn’t the cheap kind either. When Natasha said she wanted ice cream, you knew better than trying to save a couple of pennies here and there. She had made sure he knew that too. Plus he would be getting her her favourite flavour, which of course was cherry. He also knew better than trying to make a joke out of that. 

Dislocated arm later and he had happily learnt that lesson. 

Thankfully though, Clint had /some/ brains go him, which allowed him to survive this long. That, and his amazing wife Laura. Without her he was sure that he would’ve been too reckless in some case, taken too many chances without thinking them though- 

Exactly what he had done when bringing in the Black Widow to S.H.I.E.L.D. It was a dumb move. One that Laura had yet to let him live it down- even if Natasha was godmother to their youngest child. It was still a risk Clint hadn’t thought of taking let alone actually do it. And yet, he wouldn’t change it for anything. Not because they had needed her (they did but he ignored that) but because of the deep friendship that had formed between them. 

Deep enough that he knew she would have his back no matter what, and he would have hers. 

His brainwashed incident with Loki was plenty enough to back that up. 

But as good friends that he was, he wasn’t thinking about that right now, instead he listened to Natasha as she spoke. Clint and some of the others had already caught him up to speed with what had happened, even to seeing some of their own allies fall to Thanos, but listening to Natasha was... well heartbreaking almost. 

Especially when he was reminded to just how much Natasha had lost.

And that Wanda had lost just as much. 

That they both didn’t deserve this. 

 

****

“-and she just disappeared Clint. Like, she stopped me before I could get close. I.. I think she knew it was going to happen.” Natasha finally finished not long later, leaving out a few certain parts but- she really didn’t think that Clint wanted to hear about the kissing parts. He wasn’t that much of a sentimental idiot. 

“... we’ll get her back Nat.. we’ll get all of them back.” He mumbles, reaching over to tug her close. 

*******  
Natasha knew that Clint had lost a lot- probably more than what she could really ever understand. Yes, the Avengers were her family, but Clint had lost those and his actual family. It didn’t stop the ache in her chest at the fact that she had lost her family- and most importantly, Wanda herself. 

The same for everyone else. 

Everyone had lost people. And Natasha was aware of that. They all had people disappeared either in front of them, or simply had never returned. They had no idea where they had gone either. 

So there was no hope in the Avengers trying to reassure them- because what could they say? They didn’t know where those they had lost had gone, didn’t even know how to get them back let alone find Thanos... so they were at a loss. Instead they did their best to move on, to help those that needed it, and to keep order. Seeing as the population had been cut by 50% meant that there were shortages in pretty much every sector. However they had no choice but to keep going. Even Carol- later explained to be Fury’s old friend and somewhat colleague, didn’t know where he had gone. But seeing as every planet had been affected- she couldn’t stay for long. 

Her and Natasha stayed in contact though. Having developed a friendship between the two women- and more importantly she helped keep tabs on Clint after he had gone Rogue. The pressure and stress of losing his family, while he hadn’t been able to do anything, weighed too heavily on his shoulders.

And though Natasha wanted to reach out to him, to help- she couldn’t. She had to stay here. Tony had left after arriving home with Carol and Nebula, Steve was out trying to raise moral, even Bruce had moved away. Leaving Natasha to keep watch. To do her best to keep order and find a way to bring those lost back. But with no idea where Thanos was, or the stones, there was little they could actually do. 

Watery blue eyes stare out at climbing number of those lost. The numbers continuing to tick up. And at the other screen was the rabid changing pictures that flickered on the screen. And Natasha watched as each face flickered. 

Before she sees her. 

Wanda Maximoff. 

The image pauses when Natasha clicks a button. Staring at her missing girlfriend, heart in her throat and tears slipping down her cheeks. 

In the silence of the room, where it’s only her and her alone, Natasha broke down.

**** 

FIVE YEARS LATER 

Five long years later and nothing had changed.

Five long years later and Natasha couldn’t move on from the photo of Wanda appearing as a missing person in front of her. 

Five long years later- and they were still gone. And they had no idea how to bring them back. 

Sighing, Natasha sat back in her chair, raising a hand to run through her hair, having grown it out (Wanda always liked it long- she could run her fingers through it, she could play with it, she could braid it and-) and the colour had faded back to its natural red, the ends still having their blonde/silver colour (again, Wanda always preferred the red locks). Her eyes drifting from update in front of her, to the half hearted sandwich made in front of her. Really, she knew that she should eat it, but she couldn’t bring herself too. She wasn’t hungry, not while she was looking over the news in front of her again. Though as she checks the time she soon realises that it’s almost time for their meeting. So with that in mind Natasha sits herself up, fixing the shirt she wore and doing her best to put the most confident smile on her lips. 

Just in time for five holograms to pop up in front of her. And Natasha greets them all. Listening to the various updates, making notes on what was going on where they were. Until the meeting draws to a solemn end and they all leave, but Rhodey. 

There’s been an update on Clint- of course there is. Since he had gone rogue she had asked the others to keep an eye out on him. Checking on him when he can’t because she can’t- not without leaving the tower that is. And seeing as everyone else had left, had separated and tried to live their lives, someone needed to be here. To sort out what she could. To ensure that nothing happened. Natasha could still message them when needed too but it wasn’t the same. Plus, even Tony Stark himself had made a life for himself. And she couldn’t tear that away from him. After all that he had done- it didn’t seem right. 

She did check up on him when she could. She her watched Morgan grow and learn- but it wasn’t the same as Clint’s family. 

Whereas the archer welcomed her with open arms, ensured that Natasha had a place, the Barton family was always happy to see her. They had named their youngest child after her- or well, with a slight twist of the name but that wasn’t important. 

Tony and Pepper did greet her warmly, they didn’t really treat her any differently- but they held her at an arms distance. As if unsure on what her motives were under it all. And who could blame them. Natasha was a spy, someone who used others weaknesses to her advantage. So why wouldn’t be wary of her. It didn’t really matter that over the years she was trying to change that, to make herself better than who she originally was. Tony had seen it happen. Knew that Natasha thought of everyone now... but when it came to his family, it made sense. 

As he said when he first arrived back on earth ‘he lost the kid’. There was no doubt in her mind who he meant. And she couldn’t blame him for taking some time away from the whole Avenger thing. They didn’t even know how to bring them all back. Not since their visit to the Garden where Thor had beheaded Thanos. And since then... they were no closer to finding the stones. 

And Natasha had no hope on bringing Wanda back. At all. 

So Natasha did what she always did. 

She separated herself, kept people at arms distance (she couldn’t get hurt if they didn’t get close) and focused on trying to keep the few members remaining together. Though as she trails off in thought, the red haired girl didn’t notice that Steve had entered the room, not until he cleared his throat. 

“Hey..” The Super Soldier spoke up, a soft look his face as he looked down at the woman in front of him. Natasha has been his best friend since he had been defrosted all those years ago. She had stuck beside him through thick and thin. Steve knew that Natasha had his back. 

Offering a faint curl of her lips, she raises a hand to wipe her eyes in case any stray tears had slipped down her cheeks. “Hey.. how was your meeting?”

“It was good.” Nodding, Steve crosses his arms and steps over to her. Noticing the uneaten peanut butter sandwich on the desk in front of him. “But what can we keep doing Nat? We haven’t found the stones, we have no trace and.. maybe we can’t bring them back.” 

A spark of anger courses through her briefly. Hand clenching and her face hardening because she wasn’t going to give up on getting her Wanda back. But her expression softens when Steve carries on.

“I keep saying to everyone in the meeting that we have to move on-”

“But not us.” Natasha cuts him off with a soft, yet broken tone. “We cant move on.”

Sighing, he leans against the nearby chair and shakes his head. Blue gaze soft. “Not us... but we have too.” To which she smirks at softly. “We have to get a life Nat.” 

“You first.” In her mind, he deserved it. Of course he did. He had lost people in his life, so he now needed to live the life that he could. Natasha would keep working. Keep trying to make things better or to just keep everything in check here.. no one else would. 

Slumping further down in her chair, her gaze drifts to the news in front of her again before an alarm sounded. Causing them both to look up to see- Scott Lang? Scott Lang, the man who had fought along side Steve who had also gone missing, was rambling away and Natasha stared in shock.

“Is that an old message?” Steve steps closer to try and get a better look.

“...That’s the front gate...”


End file.
